Bereaved by Addiction

The death of someone we care about is one of the most impactful things that can happen to us. Grief is an enduring process that is messy and unpredictable and something that we learn to carry with us.

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure to grief is to grieve.”

Earl Grollman - Bereavement Counsellor

Everyone grieves differently and that's ok. However, some types of bereavement leave us with mixed feelings, unanswered questions and a feeling of not knowing where or who to turn to.

Losing a loved one as a result of their addiction can often add a level of complexity to an already difficult situation.

At a time when we need support we might expect or be met with a lack of sympathy or understanding; in fact, we might be struggling with similar conflicting thoughts ourselves.

It's normal to feel guilt and anger, whether that's aimed at ourselves, the deceased or at the system, but this can leave us feeling confused and alone.

Losing a loved one as a result of their addiction can often add a level of complexity to an already difficult situation. At a time when we need support we might expect or be met with a lack of sympathy or understanding; in fact, we might be struggling with similar conflicting thoughts ourselves. It's normal to feel guilt and anger, whether that's aimed at ourselves, the deceased or at the system, but this can leave us feeling confused and alone.

At CADAS we understand what you're facing and how you're feeling, and we want to support you. CADAS cares, we approach our people with acceptance, meeting you where you're at, with compassion, we care about your recovery and with empowerment, we help you change.

We would really appreciate hearing about your experiences if you've lost a loved one through addiction, it is important to share stories about our loved ones and hope for recovery from the initial pain of bereavement by addiction to ensure that those going through similar experiences know that they're not alone and that there is reason for hope for the future.

In the next couple of months CADAS will be offering specific support for people bereaved by addiction across Cumbria via one-to-one support and peer support groups. If you or someone you know would benefit from this service, please get in touch to learn more.

Words by Emma, CADAS Bereavement Champion

Stories of hope

My Story 1

(NB the children referred to in this story have been called they/them/their to reduce the risk of any characteristics which might identify them)

Writing this story takes me back to an emotionally painful and difficult time in my life. One which reminds me of the foolish choices and decisions that I made because I was overtaken by “love,” (love is blind) and fills me with sorrow and regret for the far reaching and significant impact that these decisions had upon me, my children and others.

I was a young, naïve single parent, when I met my husband. He was 12 years older than me. Looking back, I should have known that this relationship was not right from the start. My gut instinct even told me so, but I ignored it, driven as I was by infatuation. You see I met this man whilst he was in prison serving a 3-year sentence for conspiracy to supply class a drugs. A friend of mine introduced us during a prison visit and I immediately fell for this man who would later become my husband. We began to write to each other, speak on the phone whenever we could, and I began to visit him in prison at the weekends when my child was having contact with their father.

During his time in prison, he applied to a residential drug and alcohol treatment centre (rehab) to help him tackle his struggles with addiction. Upon release from prison, he went straight to the rehab to complete a 12-month programme to address the underlying issues leading to addiction and learn how to cope with life’s struggles and mistakes without using drugs and alcohol and live the more settled life that he wanted to. It was in this context that we hoped to live together when he had completed the programme. And we got married whilst he was still on the programme. Looking back, this was not a wise decision, but hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Straight after we married, we had a conversation which deeply hurt me and I knew I had made a terrible mistake, but I did not feel that I could end our marriage after 1 day, especially as I had just committed vows to have and to hold him, for better for worse… So, as I’ve often done in life I pushed it down, ignored it and hoped that things would get better. In fact, at that time in my life I thought I could help him, even rescue him, but I now know that it is impossible to fix anyone else’s problems. It’s hard enough to fix one’s own problems.

After our short-lived honeymoon he went back to rehab to complete the remainder of the programme. However, a couple of months before it was due to finish, he wanted to end the programme believing that he had done all he could to recover and move into what would become our family home. I agreed with this which again in hindsight I should not have done, but blinded by a need for companionship and a naïve belief that everything would work out, I said yes to his decision.

It was a difficult relationship, and it became evident that he had not dealt with some serious issues such as deep-rooted anger which manifested in unreasonable and frightening ways which set me and my child on edge and walking on eggshells so as not to displease him. Of course, that didn’t work, and we had no means of effective communication to resolve problems so these festered and led to furious arguments. Yet we still went on to have a (second) child, perhaps foolishly believing that having a child would bring us closer together.

It wasn’t long before the stresses of life got on top of us, and he began to drink and use drugs which led to numerous attempts to stop but none of them worked. We were all miserable and trapped in a cycle of addiction, which looking back I enabled, by giving him money and buying him alcohol to appease him which it didn’t. So, the whole family was affected by addiction, emotionally, psychologically and financially. I tried to keep it a secret because of the shame and embarrassment I felt about it, so it was also very lonely and isolating. Although I’m pretty sure that everyone knew that something was wrong in our family it was nigh on impossible to get help in those days for the friends and family of loved ones affected by addiction.

Addiction took its toll on the family and our children were badly affected. They went off the rails, seeking solace themselves from drugs and alcohol and connecting with people who did them no good, despite my best efforts to stop this. I felt powerless, useless, anxious, distressed, guilty and ashamed.

Eventually, I ended the relationship with my husband, but not before the damage of remaining in it had been done to our family. Obviously, our child still loved him and wanted contact with him, which was difficult to navigate and manage safely, especially as addiction took an even stronger hold upon him leading to serious effects upon his physical and mental health, hospital admissions and eventually his premature death 13 years ago.

I arranged the funeral more for our child’s sake more than mine. However, it was a bitter experience, despite my best intentions to create a happy and memorable occasion. In fact, all I had ever wanted in life was to create a happy stable home and family environment but in fact it turned out to be the complete opposite, the consequences of which is something I will probably regret for the rest of my life.

My child still misses their father who they see in a much more positive light than I have previously been able to do. They remember the fun times that they had with him and the valuable things that he taught them. With the distance behind me I can now remember his strengths, skills and personal qualities and appreciate that he was so much more than the pain and troubles that led to his addictive behaviour. He was hurting and never really overcame his troubled past which he tried to soothe with drugs and alcohol but in fact cost him his life. In that stark reality I have long since forgiven him and hope that he is now resting in peace.

I am not sure what this story raises for you. It might raise criticism, judgement, or disdain or other strong emotions. But I hope that by being vulnerable and honestly sharing my story that it might help even one person to break their silence and share their story with someone they can trust and find freedom and healing in the process. It is also written to recognize the stigma that remains around addiction including when someone dies after battling with addiction and how difficult it can be to share that with people in society.

Thankfully there are organisations, including CADAS, who seek to support individuals, friends, families and others who are affected by addiction. CADAS most recent service, “Bereaved by Addiction” seeks to provide a safe space for individuals to talk about their loved ones who have died following addiction and express their thoughts, feelings and memories of their loved ones in a supportive and nonjudgmental environment. The support is offered to individuals through 1-1 sessions and/or a range of small groups across the county.

My Story 2

Sadly I lost my brother due to alcohol misuse .

He was a kind, intelligent man, who was very much loved and who loved us back. It seemed to me that as his alcohol consumption increased, his world and connection with others seemed to decrease. What saddened me was that his addiction was a major factor in him not accessing medical help for a condition which would have been treatable if attended to in a timely manner.

When we received the medical certificate regarding the cause of death , my family was quietly relieved that it did not say alcoholism, although we were told this played a major part in his demise. This played on my mind as I didn’t understand why this would matter, nothing would bring him back ?

What also came to mind ,was that many years prior to this, we had lost our Dear Mum to cancer. At that time people were very reluctant to talk about cancer and often referred to it as ‘The Big C’. It was, in my experience, shrouded in some kind of secrecy and a fearful word not be spoken, almost whispered.

As I reflect ,it is interesting to see how societies perceptions have changed. We are far more likely to discuss and be open to having conversations about cancer, educating ourselves and generally wanting , and rightly so , to support these very worthwhile causes in whatever ways we can. There seem to be very few people who have not been touched, or know someone who has been affected in some way by this disease.

My hope is for society to be better educated and empathetic to those suffering from any kinds of addiction and the devastating effect it has on individuals , loved ones and society as a whole. I believe all addiction thrives in the dark and the more light and honesty we can shed on it, will prove beneficial in removing the stigma which does nothing but feed the illness itself. Hopefully this will prove to be positive and encourage society to learn more how we can support one another when faced with these challenges

I have found it such a comfort to listen and be heard by other loved ones in similar positions.

I want to be able to talk openly about my Dear Brother , the addiction was only something he carried , it wasn’t his essence, warmth & humour. In my view we can all be vulnerable at times and being treated with compassion and respect goes along way in helping us find our feet on the road to our own recovery.

Stories of Hope